The Language of Suicide
This years world suicide prevention day theme is “Change the narrative”, aiming to tackle the stigma still attached to suicide and encouraging open conversations that can truly save lives. This is the first of three articles exploring suicide, this one looking at how we can approach the topic of suicide and engage in honest conversations, the second addressing next steps and safety planning, and the final on self-care through suicide support and grief.
The language of suicide still harnesses a culture of blame and shame, pushing the issue into the darkness where people hide, alone and afraid. Fear will keep it there and only by stepping bravely towards this painful subject can we begin to shine a light of hope to those struggling.
To be able to do this we need to understand our own preconceptions and judgements about suicide. You may have a personal experience, or assumptions that inform your narrative. How might this impact your ability to engage with people on this topic, are you even open to having conversations about suicide? Or perhaps you fear the person’s answer if you ask about suicidal thoughts, and what to do next.
Firstly, we need to accept that suicidal thoughts and behavior exist with it reported that 1 in 5 people experience suicidal thoughts, and 1 in 15 people attempt suicide ( Mental health facts and statistics – Mind). These statistics highlight its prevalence so it would be naive to think that this is something that happens to others and will not impact your world. Sadly, the ripple effect from suicide is far reaching.
Suicidal thoughts:
Suicidal thoughts are often an indication that emotional overwhelm and pain has reached a level that no longer feels manageable or survivable.
People may describe feelings of wanting to “disappear”, “not wake up”, “have everything stop”, or imagine for a moment “what would it be like if I wasn’t here anymore”.
These thoughts are not uncommon and may pass naturally as someone connects to their support network or healthy resources to manage their emotions. However, it is when this state becomes persistent that these wonderings can develop into more specific thoughts of dying by suicide.
Again, this is not uncommon, and we need to be alert to risk, which is where open and honest conversations can save lives. Research has shown that asking explicitly about suicidal thoughts does not increase the risk of someone taking their own life. Suicidal thoughts often exist hand in hand with shame, and speaking directly to this diminishes shame and can relieve someone of the solitude suicidal thoughts force them into.
Having conversations about suicide will be uncomfortable and while most people will not mean any harm, their language, often fueled by fear and avoidance, can be unhelpful when someone is in suicidal distress.
Here are a few things to try to avoid but remember no one gets this right first time! So, if you trip over your words, take a breath, be present and be kind.
X Belittle – “You’re not going to do something stupid are you?”
Avoid any mocking language or words that imply they are overreacting, or being dramatic, their experience is real and relative to them.
X Guilt – “Think about who you are leaving behind and how it’ll affect them”
Language that encourages guilt will simply add to a person’s feelings of worthlessness, often they will feel like a burden to others already.
X Blame – “It’s such a selfish way out, you just need to snap out of it”
No one chooses or aspires to feel suicidal, and it is usually the end of a long road of pain and struggle. Assuming someone is to blame for their mental health is not helpful and can put additional pressure on someone to resolve a situation they already feel overwhelmed by.
X Dismissing the risk – “It was just a cry for help, they do this all the time!”
Suicide attempts are an indication that a person’s situation has become so unmanageable that they feel there is only one way out. Whilst the phrase “cry for help” has a negative connotation it should be seen as a sign, a sign that someone is in a life-threatening amount of distress, and they should be listened to.
X Criminalising – “They “committed” suicide”
Suicide was decriminilised in the UK in 1961, prior to that someone who died by suicide had committed a criminal offence. This terminology can be seen to criminalise the deceased which can be emotive and offensive to those grieving their loss. Instead try:
“I was sad to hear that they died by suicide/took their own life/killed themselves”
If you are concerned for someone’s wellbeing and you want to be sure about any suicide risk the best thing you can do is, ask them directly. This should be done non-judgmentally with an awareness of your own preconceptions about suicide.
“It sounds like you’ve been having a difficult time, can I ask if at any point you’ve experienced thoughts of suicide?”
“When you say “you can’t take it anymore”, can you clarify if you are talking about suicide”
“Has your mind ever taken you to thoughts of suicide?”
Find empathy for the persons suffering, connecting to that dark, painful place in yourself that can sit alongside the distress of the other. Ask open questions to gain a clear understanding of what exactly the person is experiencing.
“Have your thoughts of suicide ever developed into any planning, preparation or intent”
“Can you describe the thoughts you’ve been having to me”
As scary as the conversation may feel find acceptance by meeting the person where they are at without minimising, avoiding or dismissing their pain. Try not to leap into trying to fix things but gently explore what help could be offered.
“It sounds like a scary place to be, how do you look after yourself when those thoughts come?”
“How can I help you in this moment?”
Always have these conversations with hope. Knowing that recovery is possible and likely with the right support even if the person you are talking to can’t see that in the moment.
This first conversation is a chance for someone alone in the darkness of their thoughts to feel connected and understood, it’s the opening of the door to possibilities but it takes the bravery of all involved to take the first step.
Remember if there is any imminent threat to life or immediate concern for someones safety contact the emergency services on 999. Always keep yourself safe and if you are worried about yourself, or someone else, crisis support can be found here:
Samaritans | Every life lost to suicide is a tragedy | Here to listen
